Dear Oblivious,

Well hello there, Edward Penishands. We so appreciate your half-assed effort at cleaning your hands after you just finished jiggling your junk at the urinal. So much admiration for your adherence to the Public Bathroom Douchebaggery Commandments.

Thou shall perform the obligatory split-second splash of water on the finger tips of one hand: Check
Thou shall not apply any soap under any circumstances: Check
Thou shall place the semi-wet hand under hand dryer: Check
Thou shall touch every observable communal surface before exiting the restroom: Check

Hey asshole, if I felt like touching your junk I'd offer you a handjob. Do you realize your hand isn't clean? That your dick germs are not only still on your hand but now on public surfaces that others must come in contact with? Do you give a shit about anyone around you? Maybe we don't want your germs?

It's people like you that force people like me to exit a public bathroom with a wad of paper towel protecting my hand. It's people like you that make people like me refuse to touch a ketchup bottle or the salt shaker in a restaurant without a napkin barrier. It's people like you that make people like me wash my hands in near-boiling water 57 times a day.

Because you're fucking disgusting. Wash your fucking hands, dickbag.

Truly,

People For Cock-Free Surfaces